@ShortSleeveSuit

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

You Might Also Like

@Leemanish

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

@jordan_stratton

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

@hippieswordfish

ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can’t make it
FRIEND: you’re holding a VCR warranty brochure

@elynnbarlow

Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.

@SardonicTart

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

@heyevergreen

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

@Adam14

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

@QwertyJones3

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.