WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

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I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.


I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.


ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can’t make it
FRIEND: you’re holding a VCR warranty brochure


Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.


There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.


Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.


My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair


Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.