WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
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All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Nothing to do, you say?
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
It’s the weekend y’all
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.