Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

scrabbled eggs

ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.

GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.

ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*

GENIE: DAMMIT

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.

In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

[first phone call]

Watson: hello

Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

Taco Bell, Exit 22

ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.

Kid: It’s been an hour.

Me: You’re free to go.

Kid: Like, go play?

Me: Like, move out

Kid: I’m 7.

Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.

It’s an epidemic…

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

Found my door mat

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”