Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF

“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”