Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.

My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?