Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Natural selection at its finest
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.