Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]