Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
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You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?