Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love the Deepseek app, using it to organize all my finances and passwords. They make it so easy

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween

dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work

kid: i didn’t-

dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!

ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.

thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this

PSA: Always be yourself

Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

when u get so high u forget u ordered food

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school

My wife gives the best headache.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

💀💀

First time drinking whiskey.

Barman: And this one is 15 years old.

Me: Do you have any fresh ones?

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!