Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
One time in summer camp I asked the rabbi if it was kosher to eat ham flavored chips if they didn’t actually have any ham in the ingredients and that’s the kind of question that takes up 80% of the Talmud and it ends with two elderly throwing hands over it
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.