Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea

Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family

Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die

Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy

New nose

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.

Ovenable?

“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.