Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

[Phone Call]

Me: My hair has never been this long before

Her: How does it look?

Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…

Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…

Me: …with a big bald spot on top.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.

Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.