wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
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eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.