Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

Who called it baking and not making love

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

[ad for umbrellas]

[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]

“There must be a better way!”

Voiceover: UMBRELLAS

My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”

Morning.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

Trumpy Cat

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

[on a date]

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”

[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together