Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.

If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.

Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.

Not today, today.
Not today.

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

Pro tip:

Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.

everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

Wife: I’m going out now

Me: Wait! Where are you going?

Wife: Yes.

*door slams*

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.