Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.

We all have our battles to fight.

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

[engineer looking at blueprints]

“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”

Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.

[plays harmonica] is this kissing?

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”