WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
no one ever comes back
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.