God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
You Might Also Like
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
This sounds bad:
My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life