@FrazzleMyGimp

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

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@professorkiosk

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

@LostFelicia

Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.

@TheDairylandDon

Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…

@stuckinaportal

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

@shelbyfero

My safe word is “keep going.” It’s led to some HILARIOUS miscommunications let me tell you!

@solsayswhaaa

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

@Girliegurll

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

@OrangeFact

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life