@marthasa1 The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
@FrazzleMyGimp WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
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@marthasa1 
@aissalanis Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
@Sulky_Girl My therapist told me cats are not babys, so i let my let my baby shit in his office.
@ShortSleeveSuit I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
@jazmasta After grandpa’s unfortunate steamroller incident last year, man crush Monday is always a difficult time for me and my family.
@bornmiserable [funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
@juliussharpe If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, “Guys we totally suck at losing money.”
@Cheeseboy22 Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
@sarcasticmommy4 I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
@copymama [My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.