Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast

“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”

Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”

“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive

Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals

“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”

“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”

“That’s cool.”

“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.

[first date]

ME: so where are you from?

HER: I’m Finnish

ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]

HER: wtf?

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.