Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

#Caturday

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

When in doubt…

1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…