Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

[Watching the news]

This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

I am HOWLING at this

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

Wolves should really raise more people.

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still