Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.

“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.

Botany good plants lately?

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.

Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.