wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*