wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
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She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Holy moly
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!