wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
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music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
you have three unread messages
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
He-man has a Masters degree
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it