Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?

(True)

TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES

pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

Passed by a old school Math example today.

[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk

[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.

At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

“To compliment my hair?”

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money