WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
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A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’ve disappointed better people.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
This is the best photo of Mount Fuji
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?