Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

My diet plan consists of multiple naps.

Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

friend: you should be more spontaneous

me: *opens planner* when?

If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

me: when… when… when!

life: *continues grating*

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for

Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard

Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest