Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?

Me: (holding back tears) 3 days

D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like

M: Not really

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

Most people think “as the crow flies” means ‘straight’, but it actually means ‘like an asshole.’

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired

Spider-cat: No One Home

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

HR said no more nunchucks.