Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb

Taxi driver: Where to?

Me: Inbetween one and three.

Taxi driver: Get out.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

My boyfriend has the body of a god!

Or the body of God.

Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.

What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

[before sex]

me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)

I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]

him: hey what’s up

me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*