Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Just this preview of the story is enough
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
want me to check your oil?
podcasts
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.