Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.

Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs

Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away