Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

He has no idea 🤡

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.

commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.