Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

As a tree surgeon, the hardest part of my job is explaining to a patient they’ll never walk again.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.

When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.

Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?

My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.

Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.

(silence)

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that

Pot warmers of the day.

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

me: what’s your favorite part of fall?

4: jumping in piles of leaves

me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?

4: money