Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
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I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.