wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
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We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.