wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
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Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them