Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?

The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

Proctologist = Analyst

Still my favourite meme.

I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.