wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
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My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Wait a minute
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road