wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
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My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU