Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
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My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.