Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get sad when I see how old people my age are.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.

sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go

Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.

“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

I would like even faster food.

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

mood

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING

Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?

Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good