Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

i would wish you the best but i am the best

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

This is a sub tweet

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

⚠️ Important Reminder:

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?

Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith