Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]

me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?

her: I did

At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

[first day in prison]

Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector

This tweet is brought to you by Tesco

a haunted house called blood bath & beyond

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting

[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.