Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.

Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?

[Earlier]

Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”

Me: Who’s a good boy?

Dog: I thought we settled this.

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.

But I don’t suggest you point.

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

person: want to hold our baby?

me: why

How to make-out –

1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”