Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.

Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean

SHARK: nice

GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land

HORSE: cool

GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean

BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?

GOD: um

BLUE WHALE: um what?

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

[marriage counseling]

prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking

ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

I wrote a book on penguins.

Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil

Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.