Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
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My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.