Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???

“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”

Me *swallows pride*

Baby lion: holy shit

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)

Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …

We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

My mom was right. My face did stay this way.

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

Netflix: We have Less

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.

If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now