[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
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fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I’ve got two, maybe three, quests left in me, but only if someone carries my horse.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”