[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
☠️ ☠️
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.