Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
