Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

another case of gang violins

Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them

Crush: what are u doing

Me: laying in bed listening to music

Crush: nice what kind

Me: it’s memory foam

Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist

Me: Picasso

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals