Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

Can i borrow your truck?

Me: no problem just read the dashboard

A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.

“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.

earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*

*wakes up and checks bank account*

Me: Well that didn’t work.

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.

Legend 🤣🤣

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.