Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
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her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
How much for the goth pool noodles?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.