Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.

If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

the only bumper sticker ill allow

Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.

-Everyone at my job.

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.

You’ll make me nervous.