Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
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Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Beware of fowl play.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Can’t, holding a grudge
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Make me look younger
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.