Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
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Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Stop being racist to kettles.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…