Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

santa getting shot down over jersey this year isn’t he

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

🤣

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.

Moon: *throws shade*

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.

*starts the dishwasher*

*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.