Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
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Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime