Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went on a date once.

He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”

I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”

While we’re on the subject….

*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive

I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

A collection of me turning into random objects.

every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience

Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym

1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa