*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
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Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
#TopTip
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.