*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
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Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
This makes total sense…
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
When the stylist spins you back around
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).