Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”

Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

when unicorns get really drunk

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:

1) Know when to hold em.

2) Know when to fold em.

3) Know when to walk away.

4) Know when to run.

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.

[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there

Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:

1) Death

2) The Pythagorean Theorem

GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met

Professor whatshisname: get out

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.

I’m the drunk sheep of the family.

12: I can’t wait to be an adult.

Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

Reasons Pluto is so cold:

3) It’s far from the sun

2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.

1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.

Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.