Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
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A Match(.com), but for socks.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.