Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
You Might Also Like
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby