Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
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Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.