My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
he’s doing your taxes
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep