@LosLos__

Wife: Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just…

Me: It’s a piece of toast.

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@LuvPug

Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life

@JoyceCarolTotes

Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.

@SCbchbum

Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.

@DrDumbDum

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

@Crutnacker

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

@pleatedjeans

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

@daddydoubts

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

@TheHyyyype

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

@alexlumaga

The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time