@LosLos__

Wife: Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just…

Me: It’s a piece of toast.

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@Ivsy01

If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits

@maliagif

boy: i wished girls liked sports
girl: i like sports
boy: oh yeah name the blood type of the seahawks coach from the 1990s

@stewnami

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

@SortaBad

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

@jwoodham

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

@chuuew

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.

ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?

@Faux_Ma

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

@donni

YOU: Please be aware–
ME: I’m not. I never will be. I’ve never even SEEN a “ware”

@Aspersioncast

My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.