wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
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*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter