Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.

Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep

If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.

Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.

Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?

1: GENIUS!

dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day