Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”

me as a parent

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

scenes of unspeakable carnage

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

Bringing back this classic