wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
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Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us