Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.

A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel

Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.

My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.

Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.