Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]

Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.