Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

Therapist: So what’s the problem?

Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.

Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.

*lowers foot that was raised*

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

[At a restaurant]

Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.

Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.

Me: Those don’t come with fries.

Husband: I know.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!

My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training

Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain

hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner

hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail

i smell a pulitzer

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

This “all purpose” flour did not get my car clean at all

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.