wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
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I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants